Archive for » April, 2010 «

It must be a beautiful feeling knowing that you hold no grudges or animosity towards anyone. An even grander feeling is knowing that no one is angry or upset with you. When I am introduced to this sense of being I’ll be so joyful. These past couple of days have been discouraging because I am not sure if I am to forgive or to be forgiven. I feel wronged by a couple of people and I was quick to remove them from my life. Now I am noticing that I might be taking too many people out of my life. It isn’t healthy. I probably am not as innocent as I assumed. Although I have been hurt, the best course of action might have been to talk with these people and not just dismiss them from my life.
My attempt to fix this is not showing to be very promising at all. What I am noticing is that everyone makes themselves the victim. I am not to be excused. In any situation I don’t usually see what I might have done to wrong the other party. For some reason I am willing to sit and think about my actions against others. It is hard for me, I always have one justification or the other as to why I do something and I never see why I am wrong for it. The solution, drop the pride humble yourself and let go. I really hate being wrong, I hate being accused of doing something “wrong” “hurtful” or “unjust”. I am realizing I am not the saint, or at least goodgirl I tell myself that I am. I have my faults, I am going to deal with them and make my personal issues ride with the wind. I learned this the hard way and am still trying to build upon what I know now. The first start was to admit it now I am ready to grow.

I’m realizing that I am an individual that makes decisions that are not always in the best of my interest. I am aware of the problems that arise from my actions but my reason is simple, I like having my own results. Living vicariously is frustrating to me. My general perspective makes it difficult to take someone’s advice without entertaining my personal will.
What has come to dim my view of this is that I often end up wrong. I can take it no longer and I must face the fact, what I believe to be beneficial is more or less a detriment to me. Insanity is acting out the same action various times and expecting a different result. If I continue to seek what is not there then I will continue to deceive my self. Continuously looking for perfection in someone that is full of faults is insane. This is not to say that the person is imperfect, they are just imperfect for me.

I have not openly addressed my feelings because I guessed I would say something ‘silly’[not that it matters\ed]. What I wanted to say about the situation I have been going through in the past few weeks, were padded with emotion. I don’t want my emotion to get the best of me or anyone else. It made sense to keep my thoughts as they should be, within the realm of my mind alone. A good amount of thinking and even more thinking brought me to the conclusion that I excessively care for the wrong people. I tend to express my feelings in ways that they might not understand despite what they think,I still care. Regardless of my actions or my lack there of, I expect people I care about to actively try to understand me. I do the same for them, I do what is possible to know an individual to the best of my ability.
None of this matters anymore. Its finished and I will be fine.

05
Apr

Soundtrack To My Life

1. Open your music library
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t cheat!

Opening Credits: SOLDIER OF LOVE: SADE [wow... off to a good start]
Waking Up: New Friend Request- Gymn Class Heroes
First Date: House Burning Down- Jimi Hendrix =/
Falling In Love: I dont Need it- jami Foxx [x_x]
The Love Scene: Thought You should Know- Keyshia Cole [|_|]
Rebelious Youth: Wonderful-India Arie [Wack.. atleast for this categorry]
Brush With The Law: Addiction- Ryan Leslie [riiight]
Fight Scene: Gossip- Lil Wayne
Breaking Up: Grains-India Arie
Return Of The First Love: It’s your fault- Lil wayne 0_0
Getting Back Together: Get your Money up- Keri Hilson LMBO
Secret Love: Part of my life- India Arie =/
Life’s Okay: Bizzy Body- Psquare .. Naija music
Mental Breakdown: Simple [ggreeat.. another India Arie song]
Making A Fresh Start: Take me Away- John Legend <3
Driving: Pulling me Back-Chingy ew
Learning A Lesson: Pursuit of Happiness -Kid Cudie :->
Deep Thought: Taboo- Wande Coal–0_*
Xmas: Youre not sorry- Taylor swift =/
Flashback:Im me- lil wayne
Broken Heart: Rolling down my face- Amerie
Partying: Closer- Neyo
Achieveing The Dream: Dope Boy Remix- Lupe Fiasco
Regretting: Regrets; VIDEO-India Arie hahahahah.. good one
Long Nights Alone : Strenght Courage and Wisdom-India Arie =[
Death Scene:[dislike option] Slow- Jamie foxx =0 scary
Funeral: [afraid of death so ehh] Scream- keri Hilsom =o =O scarierr…..
Closing Credits: Last Night- little Walter

My playlist is eerily too realistic

I have so many holes in my “religion”… I have the faith part covered, prayer isnt a problem. But I guess im missing  the part where I behave like a christian, you know read the law [Bible] and follow it. If I hadnt been against reading it for so long, a lot of things i have done might not even be hidden memories. Trying to work on it though, harder than I expected, then again I hadn’t expected it to be easy.

Today was “Interesting” I intended on sharing the whole  of it but I might not want to.  But apparently I attract weirdos on the metro. I finally accepted that I dont care for time.. at least the being on time part. I like working on my own time. So inconsiderate of me :D .

list*day

watched 3 episodes of house… felt like they were all a snippet o fmy life

watched 3 episodes of grey’s anatomy.. made me cry [so depressing...]

surgeons just might be depressed individuals.. well.. tv ones atleast

When I open my mouth, whatever im thinking doesn’t seem to be what people hear.  Huge problem.

I don’t know what  else to say about that,Just frustrated.

I know…  um  i dont like  when someone is being mean to me

ugh!!!… hate it.

Some people are so sour

I would actually like to have a long meaningful converstation with someone about how I am feeling.  its bad.. not horrible just bad. sigh… shopping pedis and movies tomorrow.. i shall be more jolly

Photo w the bestest… we were having goodtimes  i LUUHHH HER!!